Enough is enough.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve reached my breaking point, which is slightly ironic in brokenness. Exhausted, I’ve become tired of my mess as I’ve been treading to stay afloat.
Transparency is uncomfortable. It’s awkward. I’ve learnt this in my last few months. You are undeniably confronted with truth. And, after pouring your heart out on the internet, you also actually have to face people and reality (?!) SHOCKING. (Sorta. *Caught the sarcasm?) Even more so, God continues to work in me as I write, and it ain’t pretty. I may
or may not have attempted to write five other posts since this one, and every time I’ve stopped. Unfinished.
I’ve resorted to busyness. Full-time student. Two jobs. Lack of sleep. End of semester. Need to study. Need to sleep. Maybe I’ll go run. It’s cold. Forget the run. No, go run. Catch a cold from the cold run. Too sick. Need sleep. Early mornings. Late nights. Not enough caffeine. (Basically the story of my last two months).
(AND that was my excuse
two four months ago.)
Hi my name is Jourdan and I am a professional putter-off-er, I guess the politically correct term would be procrastinator.
(First step is to admit you have a problem, yeh?)
I justify myself in my busyness, I quietly and consistently put God on the back burner. I don’t want to hear what He has to say, though I need it. I grow in frustration as I’m discontent with my mundane life. This is not the life I want, God! Yet, it’s the one I’ve chosen.
I’ve been paralyzed with fear. Afraid to face the endless possibilities…the Ephesians 3:20, ‘exceedingly, abundantly, infinitely’ kind of possibilities…as I’m conflicted with dealing with all the possible letdowns and crushing disappointments I’m bound to face. YET I ache for more than the life I’ve settled for. (#TheStruggleIsReal)
This is what I have concluded- my latest startling realization:
I’ve been limiting God by my perception of Him.
Let me clarify this, in no way am I belittling or arguing His Sovereignty, that would be absolutely foolish of me. I have limited Him in my life, by what I believe He should do or how things should turn out, and that questioned His Sovereignty.
My faith has been rooted and wavered in circumstances rather than the One who holds the Universe.
When I was younger, and way more naive (hah)…when I was eighteen (let’s laugh some more), I was angry. Angry with God. Furious and indignant, I was frustrated and disappointed with life and all of the injustice I saw living in Jamaica.
Why? Why do my parents have to scrounge by EVERY SINGLE month, barely paying the bills, when they’ve been faithful and obedient to YOU for over 25 years? Why did that helpless 10 year old girl, YOUR child(!), go through the appalling terror of rape and abuse alone? Why would You let him, of all people, die, so suddenly, so unfairly, so soon!? Where was the miracle? HELLOO Lazarus, remember? Why? Did You miss all this?!? Are You even up there?!
It sounds so ludicrous to say it out loud now, but this was my reality. I was mad at God! I wanted no part of Him. IT WAS AWFUL. It all built up to a catastrophic moment at Church with me at my seat, refusing to worship. (One of those petty “I’ll stand because everyone is standing, but won’t raise my hands” moments.) Yet as the first line of Majesty began to play, like a hammer to my hardened heart I cracked and the floodgates of tears came pouring out. I was bawling like a baby and repenting profusely.
There was no more anger, so to say, but I still held onto these nagging heartaches and held them against Him. Perhaps a grudge? But adding to the list as the years went by every thing that He didn’t come through on., quite often throwing that pity party of one. Selfishly and dejectedly whispering, Why can’t I afford to go to a good school? Why am I stuck here? Am I not enough? All slowly accumulating to a moment just last month, the startling realization that I can’t see beyond my Whys.
Yes, You know.. THE Whys?.. the infuriating, heart-wrenching Whys? that gnaw at our souls. They are the sum of all of our disappointments and frustrations from our unmet expectations. And when left unchecked, they become stifling and crushing. And well, life as you know it, becomes downright hopeless. It’s poison. Intoxicating, it distorts your perception.
It left me blind. It infected me- to the core of who I was. Bitter and faithless, the dreams and promises inside of me were contaminated. I could never dare confront, much less come to God. Quite honestly, I didn’t believe that there was more for me than this life filled with recurring letdowns and circumstances. All the good things that happened for others, the miraculous, well that was way too good to be true. Those things just don’t happen to me, no point in setting myself up for heartache. A veil of deception, layered in hopelessness and stitched together by disappointment, warped my vision. Blinded, I could not see who God was. His Heart. His Grace. His Love for ME.
While I began to believe the whispers of doubt in one ear, all my flaws were screaming at me in the other. I am unworthy. I am unfaithful. I am not a good “Christian”. Countless, the list goes on, these were just the one’s booming. And if I am unworthy, unfaithful, AND a horrible “Christian” then why would God love me? Why did I deserve any of the promises, any of the good things?
Angry and frustrated like an exhausted three-year old child throwing a tantrum on the ground, I plugged my ears, wailing, “Na-na-na-na I can’t hear you!” The funny thing is (OK! It really is pathetic..) I didn’t want to hear what God had to say. Stubborn and wrong, I wanted to be right, and justified. I wanted to be independent and strong.
But like any good hissy fit, one becomes unbearably weary after a while. You give up. You throw your hands up and are ready to be held by your Daddy.
As the snot abounds and you hiccup your feeble apologies, you are nervous of the reprimand bound to happen at any moment. An eruption of justified anger and punishment, perhaps a good beating or slap across the face. This is God after all. The blubbering subsides, and as you dare to look up into the eyes of your Father, you are interrupted. Staring back at you, are eyes filled with mercy and grace.
Forgiveness brings healing. Eyes now wide open. This is your Daddy.
He has always longed to love you. In the mess you’ve created, He finds beauty and purpose. After all, you are His. His child. His heart has always been to protect you. His actions, though I do not begin to fathom them all, serve this purpose. Though I have made choices outside of His will, and the consequences of others have affected mine, His purposes and plans will prevail.
Though I’ve known of God my entire life, I am only now just discovering Him.
This is who He is.
He is not only good, but He is just. He vindicates, and makes right.
He is holy, without fault. He cannot lie nor fail. He is faithful. He is consistent in His pursuit of us. He does not waver nor does He change (despite my human emotional days). He remains.
He is Love. He can’t and won’t stop, nor will He deny Himself.
And yes, He is the Creator of all things, but He is mindful of me. He is with me, though I am (daily) unaware. He is for me. Rooting me on, and calling my name, He wants the best for me. Not only is He safe, but He saves me on the regular. Protecting and guarding me, as His child, as His treasure, He sustains me. And it’s all for His glory.
Though I am one in 7+ billion, He knows me. He knows me, and loves me.
And, it is His love that compels me. Compels me to trust Him. To live for Him. To subject myself to His pruning. Though He is mindful of me, His heart of love is what compels me to love and serve others.
It is in Him, that I find my worth. (#SappyGirlMoment). In Him, I am found.
I am empowered. With His strength and grace, I am enabled and capable to boldly go where He is taking me.
The power of truth is in its knowledge; it brings freedom. It tears the veil of deception.
I am His; this truth sustains me.
The pesky whispers of deceit, defeat and discouragement (try saying that 5xs really fast haa!) nag at me daily. And, YES, it sucks a whole lot more some days than others, but I must make a choice, daily.
I choose to be grateful, because though my circumstances change, my God, He remains. He is still good. Still faithful. Still just. He still saves.
I will not let anger or bitterness destroy the promises and dreams that I have been given. The world is filled with injustice and hate. But with this fiery righteous passion, I must catalyze change. I will not procrastinate what He has called me to do now, even in the Wait.
Though the fear of failure taunts me, and hopelessness abounds, I must make a choice. I choose to be obedient. His love motivates me. Yes, He is calling me to greater, in my human-thinking, scarier things, but He is safe. He will not take me where He cannot sustain me. He calls me to trust Him and believe for the miraculous. I face disappointments, knowing that they happen as God is exceeding my silly expectations. Though some of my Whys? are still left unanswered, I am reassured in knowing Him.
Knowing His Love, His heart for me is good, I will not waver.
16May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the [Holy] Spirit [Himself indwelling your innermost being and personality].
17 May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,
18 That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God’s devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it];
19 [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being]unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!
20 Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]—
Ephesians 3:16-20; Amplified Bible